September 16 2014 / Tuesday / 3:08 AM / Pink Room

here i am at 3 in the morning, i’m supposed to be working on homework but i’m procrasinating by listening to some of my old music and relaxing. I’m video chatting with Nikita and she’s asleep and the video camera is still on. I played some soft light instrumental music and now i can lightly hear her breath.

I had a pretty shitty day today. I didn’t finish my painting, i found out i couldn’t change my art grade, and i also didn’t study for my calc test. I had work right after and i found myself falling asleep while i was tagging clothes. After i got off, instead of going to leaders i found myself winding up at the playground in Western Glen. From a far i could hear the game with it’s marching band playing, with grey skies and the emptiness of the playground. I smoked a cigarette while i thought of all the memories that were made on that playground from freshman to sophomore year. I thought about everyone again.

nostalgia and the fear of parting with my closest friends is so real.

Anyways so yeah sounds like a shit day right? Well yeah i’m not going to lie to myself by trying to say it wasn’t but i can at least help myself out with my perspective. First of all, before i was about to burst into a thousand tears and go on a tantrum in art, i bickered with Mrs Wallis and the whole class ended up yelling and laughing at me. That made me feel better (Laughter really is the medicine). Stinson and Fraser helped me out with my art project during Lunch while nikita was trying to help me study for calc at the same time which was pretty damn funny. Nikita and Stinson were going at each other which was funny since they’re both very aggressive people, and me and fraser just sat there going “:Whaaaat”. Mrs. Wallis made me feel better and told me that i had plenty of opportunites to bring my grade up. I thought i could take this in 2 ways: i could call her response bullshit to make myself feel better and remain pessimistic during the entire quarter, OR i could just blindly believe her and give my mental health a break and continue to try. I was so tempted to go with number 1 but i realized that being bitter about something you can’t exactly change is mentally draining and it only hurts yourself. So i went with number 2.

Calc… ha ha ha i don’t really know or understand but at this point i think this is a sign from God telling me to apply early action/decision. The reason why i say this is cause i’ve been praying asking God for guidance because i really don’t know what the hell i’m doing this year, and this is the only response i’m getting so far. Right now i’m caught with whether or not i should apply for early decision for nyu, i know for a fact i’m applying for early action with chapel hill. 

Man i’m going to miss everyone. As much as i want to keep in touch with everyone from high school i know it’d be unrealistic to set that as my expectation. But i pray and i hope that each and every single person who’s been there for me at my worst knows that i think about them and how i appreciate the things they’ve done for me.

like i’ve told arun, i know that all of my friends are very tolerant and understanding and patient people just because of the fact that to be friends with me you kind of HAVE to be or else we just wouldn’t be friends. And i’m not saying that i choose or want friends that are tolerant or understanding, it’s actually quiet the opposite. it’s just that i’m a shit head of a person and so I know the people who stay by my side deal with a lot of my crap and i’m always grateful for that. 

i wish this wasn’t the last run.

WAKE UP MOM I CANT GO TO SLEEP UNTIL I HAVE A SMOKE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

September 14 2014 / 8:01 AM / Sunday / Old Room

i haven’t typed here in a while.

i’ve been really busy.

school has swallowed me and i don’t really know how to handle it anymore.

my mentality is still back in summer time.

i’m not ready for any of my classes.

actually currently i’m literally failing ALL of my classes, meaning F’s and D’s. I could make myself feel better by blaming it on the “oh-it-takes-time-to-get-used-to” or that it’s because i’ve just started the year, but i genuinely don’t think thats it. i think i’ve lost all interest in trying to stress myself and strain my health for a simple number. Slowly, i am starting to refuse the mentality that grades, numbers and letters, define my intellectual capability or just me as a person. Like, after governor school, after a education system where grades aren’t necessary yet still learning, i don’t want to convert back to the normal flow.

i want to spend this final year with those close to me, because who knows, i might never have the opportunity to make memories with them ever again. You never know how your life will turn out. People die. Circumstances restrict us. Money binds us. Responsibilities suffocate. Even if i lose touch with many of the people i grew up with, i still want to be able to look back and remember the good times, and those good times will be what keeps me going. How do i know this for a fact? Simply because of my experience at governor school. Even though i was 2 hours away, and was adjusting myself to a new environment, i still thought about all my friends back at home and wondering what they were doing and remembering memories of certain moments. I’m sure i’ll be doing the same in college. What can i say, i’m a sucker for the past.

i have a fear. i have a fear of rejection/disapproval from adults. Whenever an adult reprimands me, i normally get hurt and take it too personally. For example, when a teacher criticizes my behavior like not coming to class, most students would think “i understand where he/she’s coming from, i need to change my behavior.”  Me? I normally say that out loud to my friends but in my mind my pride gets to me. i get hurt and pissed off. It makes me want to avoid the teacher and skip their class.

why am i saying this? i’m saying this because i’m doing exactly that. sigh

i just hate how i’m so sensitive. it frustrates me. i got it from my dad.

One day after work, i called my dad to meet me at smashburger. i hadn’t eaten since the day before because i skipped breakfast and lunch since eating made me sleepy. I normally would’ve skipped dinner as well to prevent myself from sleeping so i could focus on homework at home but it was a friday so i knew i could treat myself. Once i met my dad, i ordered a buffalo chicken burger, and we sat down at a table and talked. We talked about various subjects and one of them was about my request to drop my first period, AP Chemistry. My dad informed me that unfortunately they couldn’t do anything for me and that i was stuck with the class and how the teacher herself emailed him asking about me. I told him that i didn’t like her. Everyone seemed to like her but i found her frustrating. Not because she was a bad person but because i didn’t feel comfortable with her way of teaching and the class in general made me feel uncomfortable. I’m a person who learns from asking. If i have a teacher that gets frustrated with me from my first question, you know i’m going to have a problem. I explained this from my dad but he dismissed my complaint. “Why do you worry so much about the useless? In life, you’re going to have to work with all types of people including the ones you dislike. Just bare with it, it’s not like she’s in your life forever. Just for a year, deal with her and get the grade you deserve. From the many years of working with people i’ve learned that if you take their words too personally, you’ll be the only one getting hurt. So don’t stress about it, don’t care about it unless it can constructively help you.”

hopefully this upcoming week i’ll be able to step it up.

oh i also got a job. it’s a pretty awesome job considering the hours, pay, and work. all i have to do is tag clothes, and work a pretty simple machine. it’s kind of fun. i like working and doing things that don’t require a lot of mental work. it makes me feel productive. People are nice here. My boss apparently has a lot of history and rumors floating about him in the korean community but i don’t really give a shit because he’s pretty cool. He doesn’t judge me for my outside appearance (piercings) which is a big plus since most asians/koreans care about that crap. his policy is to just do your job and don’t bother him, which is what i’m used to because that’s basically how i was raised by my dad. I can come into work without worrying about smelling like smoke. Just the other day i saw him walking around in the back, carrying a armful of clothes with a cigarette in his mouth. Supposedly i’m getting paid $9 an hour but i counted the money and it seems like he’s actually paying me $10. Now consider that i’m also a complete novice, this is my first job and i’m getting paid $10 an hour. in cash too. The close always ends at 7 and my boss leaves at 6 so it gives me an hour to play my own music and just chill. this job is probably the best job for me and i thank God that i was given this opportunity (plus it gives me experience with clothes, because i don’t know jack shit about clothes and laundry). I still don’t understand why my mom just doesn’t get the same job i’m doing, it doesn’t even require that much communication besides a simple “hello” and “goodbye”. 

i don’t know how my senior year will turn out but i’ll see.

i want to type more but i really don’t want to because i got church in a bit and i want a smoke.

i got a lot to do today.