“It’s all a matter of paying attention, being awake in the present moment, and not expecting a huge payoff. The magic in this world seems to work in whispers and small kindnesses.”
Charles de Lint (via misswallflower)

September 30 2014 / 7:16 AM / Tuesday / Old Room

i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing.

i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing.

i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing.

i. don’t. know. what. the. fuck. i’m. doing.

i don’t have any of my shit together. I don’t know what’s been wrong with me this year. i want to blame it on my job, but i can’t. i want to blame myself, and other’s reprimand me. i just don’t know what’s happening. What is wrong with me. Why is this happening. I’m quitting today. i tried to convince myself that i would be okay working and juggling school work but i really can’t. I don’t have the energy or time. i can make money some other time in my life, i don’t need to right now. i need to cut off everything that is unnecessary. i don’t know what to do with myself or anything and i feel like breaking down.

if i tell my friends, they try to cheer me up but they’re sinking as well. I can’t expect them to go out of their way when they’re struggling as well. If i tell my parents they tell me to stop complaining and just do it. They don’t understand. If i go to any adult figure they just remind me of how bad my decision was. GREAT FUCKING GREAT BECAUSE THAT HELPS. ITS LIKE I CAN GO BACK IN TIME AND CHANGE THE CLASSES I WANTED TO TAKE JUST BECAUSE YOURE TELLING ME NOW. god fucking damn it i’m just so frustrated, i’m so frustrated with the world, but mostly with myself. i hate being a senior. i hate being a senior. i hate being a senior.

i think i need to see a psychologist and find out what’s wrong. i don’t know why everything is falling apart. i genuinely don’t know why.

i don’t know what to do i just want everyone to shut the fuck up and stop talking to me. i don’t want school screaming in my ear. i don’t want college essays yanking my shirt. i don’t want standardized test scores tripping me. i don’t want friends and family bullshit to add 500 more pounds of weight on me. i don’t want clubs poking me in the eye. i don’t want volunteer hours pulling me. i don’t want a job.

i don’t want to care. i don’t want to care. i don’t want to care.

i just want to be erased.

it seems like i haven’t done anything right and i don’t know what to do.