It’s all about perception.
i should be typing out my essay that’s due tomorrow in english but i think i’m just gonna hold an all-nighter because i want to type the thoughts that are running through my head before it’s too late.
After mother’s day, after thinking and talking and thinking i realize that the only problem i’ve had mostly with my parents is because of my selfishness and my tendency to not being able to let go of things from the past. I’m bitter because of their wrongs to not me now but me as a child and i won’t dare deny that i’ve never really taken in the thought that they too are human beings like me.
I’ve always pacified my mind by telling myself that i did understand and factored that in already but i really haven’t, i was too afraid to.
I remember hannah was saying this to Girish on friday. I was just being my normal self, listening and observing as usual but the words she said kind of floated to the back of my mind and decided to stay there and settle down like sediment in a stream, instead of leaving like how outside words normally did. today was like a pebble being tossed into my thoughts, stirring up the words she said. “Sometimes we forget to notice that our parents are like us too, they make mistakes, and we’re not always the center of everything.”
Because of my bitterness, i make up other excuses or lies, i look away, and cover things up so that they can seem like the bad guys. I blamed everything on them; my aggressiveness, my temper, my suffocation. But in reality, by thinking back today; they ARE willing to listen, they ARE willing to compromise.. it’s just that my expectations and standards are way too high and i’ve known that for a while but denied it all at the same time, excusing myself from any guilt through ignorance.
Like i told arun on friday night, nothing is in black or white. In reality, this obstacle between me and my parents is actually just one between me and myself. For me to be able to handle a variety of different types of people later on in life, i first should be able to handle and adapt to my parents because i’m sure there are going to be people like them. This is only an obstacle that could either tear me down and lose my identity of who i am, or.. it could enhance my compassion, empathy and self-control. Instead of letting my environment effect me maybe this is a practice exercise that tests my patience and help me learn to control myself even when other’s can’t.
mother’s day made me realize that i have to forgive my parents for me to move on and grow as a person. Like peyton said ‘Forgiving is for the strong.’ Not only that, i truly care about my parents no matter what i say or feel or what they say or do. when it comes down to it, i really really really care and love my parents. How do i truly know? When i think of my mom or dad dead, i start crying and i feel miserable(miserable can’t begin to describe it) and words can’t describe how terrified i am of the thought of that situation. i start thinking about all of the things they HAVE done for me, the sacrifices they had to make, and then how microscopic the actions of love i have given to my parents during my whole life.
i want to change that. i want my mom to feel more positive about life, i don’t want to make my dad feel sad, i don’t like feeling so angry.
life is too short to be angry
life is too short, so create good memories while it lasts.
unless it gets inside the ship.
Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down
unless you allow it to get inside you.” —Goi Nasu
i rarely type here ever since i got a journal and it feels weird, looking back in my archive i went from typing here almost dailyish to every month or so. anyways my journal is lost somewhere in my room and i’m too lazy to fish it out so here i go-
today is the last day for bright knight’s club activity, and that means it’s going to be the last day i tutor Farrah and that kind of makes me sad. After these past few weeks of seeing her every wednesday and helping her with homework and such, i’ve kind of grown really fond of her. She’s almost like the little sister i never had. Whenever i’m with her, i wonder about when i was her age and i think about Esmerelda and how she possibly felt when she was playing with me. Esmerelda was my first friend in america and she taught me little everyday things like how to describe something as spicy, or what criss-cross applesauce meant because i got in trouble at school for not knowing what it was. I remember she’d do my hair and her family was always so inviting and warm, unlike the apartment with my mom and i. I always wondered why she ever wasted her time playing with a 3 year old when she was already a teenager. I think i can kind of understand now though, after tutoring Farrah. Before the end of today’s tutoring session with her, i want to give her a present, possibly something for her to remember me by but i doubt she will ajfdgks who knows.
A lot has been going on my mind about this whole emancipation thing. there are so many things i need to factor into the equation. The idea of it all sounds great but then again, i only have two more years till i’m outta here and that’s not that long of a time to wait. Plus if i hang around long enough, the contract between my dad and i will still be valid and he’ll have to pay for my tuition and everything if i get into Chapel. But if i apply for emancipation, it would become invalid and i would have to either A. get a scholarship or B. pay for it myself. Now the problem with solution A is that, that solution is very risky because i’m not guaranteed that i will get scholarships and i don’t really like taking chances, i like for-sure settled solutions. Solution B is very unrealistic since i haven’t saved any money for college because i ignorantly believed that my parents would take care of it for me since that’s what they’ve been telling me my whole life and i never once thought about what would happen if they were to not be there.. My mistake. But the pros of leaving would be that i wouldn’t have to deal with the physical and mental abuse i receive from this household, help enhance my responsibility skills, and it’d allow chances for me to change myself to be better. Not only that but it’d help the relationship between me and my family because don’t get me wrong i still love them, family is family but living with them is tearing the little piece of the relationship a part. If i left, they’d have more time to themselves, less stress, and Ryan wouldn’t be exposed to a bad influence like me. And there’s also the whole, getting a job fraction of the entire picture but i don’t think that’s hard to solve, i could always get a job at taekwondo, possibly tutor kids (one of the nurses who talked to me at the mental hospital really wanted me to haha!) and i could also work at mamawok or other restaurants. Idk idk idk i have to keep thinking about other things like my own mental stability, the classes i’m taking next year, etc. But i have to also remind myself that i have 2 entire months to keep pondering about this so no rush. Oh that also reminds me- i should probably schedule an appointment to meet with my school counselor and discuss this with her and see what her opinion is on this. i need a reliable adult in my life whose willing to help me, since i can’t afford therapy, and friends are wonderful but an adult has the experience to guide me through situations like these.
i have so many things to do and think about, i can’t seem to get any sleep. stress stress stress. back to coloring
I’m so done
Of the physical and mental abuse and strain I receive from this hell house.
I’m so done.
I already hate myself to begin with
If you guys just left me alone
Maybe I wouldn’t have scratched your face off
Maybe I wouldn’t have punched holes in the walls
Maybe I wouldn’t have torn your clothes
Maybe I wouldn’t have thrown a chair at your head
Maybe I wouldn’t have made you bleed
Maybe you wouldn’t have had to call the cops.
Oh wait hahaha you already did that multiple times
I grew up in an environment where I was silent, where learned helplessness was the right and only way, and where aggressiveness was the only way to get your voice heard.
If I think about it i shouldn’t be surprised that I turned out the way I did
I’m cursed and I already want to disappear
But with you guys adding on to it thinking you all have done nothing wrong this whole time and poking me with fingers and words that cut the heart expecting me to handle it all
You say I’m the reason why this family is shit then why the hell do you want me to stay home 24/7
You say I smoke and drink and have sex, but that’s just reality
You say I’m the dangerous one
When your the one who tried to kill me
All of these hateful thoughts
These refreshing stings and cuts
The pain of knowing that there’s no one here
Let’s me know I’m living
I’m twisted and I have a temper.
Keep pointing your fingers at me
But no matter what I will never stay quiet, I refuse to close up.
No one understands
I yearn for a connection
But I know what they’re all thinking I’m thinking it to myself too:
I’m crazy and an over dramatic out of control teenage girl
I am. But that doesn’t change the fact that
Staying here drives me insane
School, friends, the outside are places that let me leave this piece of shit
A home is a place where you feel relaxed and comfortable
And yet I feel the opposite, I’d rather be any place then my house
You don’t want me to live with you you think I’m dangerous? Finally.
Let me out
let me have control over my own death get your hands off my neck, pops.
In the end you lied, you weren’t there.