i have a lot of stuff to write about today. A lot of emotions and thoughts have been building up inside of me recently and i just need an outlet to let it all out in some way or form. I’m probably going to be on here a lot more now, since i’m letting go someone really important to me. Aw man this sucks.
Since i’m struggling to find a starting point of where i can start my tantrum, i’ll start with simply what i did today. Today i visited UNC Chapel Hill. I don’t know about others, and maybe this is because it was only my second college visit, but the place took my breath away. The campus was beautiful, it was dazzling, it was lovely. The weather was a little chilly, but the sky was clear. The sunlight reflected off of all the vibrant tree leaves. Students happily walked by, and birds were cheerfully singing. I couldn’t believe how wonderful it was. I liked it so much. I liked it so much but that scared me. It scared me terribly. Because I learned that when you want something too badly, you won’t get it. If you like something too much, it won’t like you back. I got scared. So instead of saying how i really felt, during the whole visit i kept mumbling to my dad the opposite of what i really felt. “why am i here, this is a waste of my time” “it’s not like i’m going to get in anyway” “it’s not THAT pretty” “im not going here”……….. “i don’t like it.” those were the words that came out of my mouth. I couldn’t help it. I was so scared that if i said what i really felt i would be cursed. But that’s when my dad saw past my facade, and told me to not give up. He told me to keep trying my best, and that it’s not a sin to hope. Only the brave can hope. Only the strong can dream. My eyes opened and for the first time, in a long while, did i agree with my dad.
Now i’m motivated more than ever to try my best. What can hold me back? Only my mind.
I have decided a couple of things this week.
One, i am going to let go of my closest friend in the entire world. She’s not healthy for me. I am not healthy for her. I can feel myself slowly changing, and while i don’t like it, i can’t really help it. With myself growing up, i can look back now and see a good portion of our friendship. While we had many good memories i hold close to my heart, i can’t help but feel like this friendship is what’s always stopping me from going on to the next door. I feel like this friendship has manifested into chains. Chains that hold me back from moving from my past. Because you see, no matter how many times i say i forgive and forget, i cannot forgive and that’s why i cannot forget. I still have nightmares of josh telling me the one thing i didn’t want to hear. I remember all the times i would get her in trouble. I also remember all the times when i felt like she was the one person i could always rely on but then become afraid of betrayal. I feel bad but i’m sure it’s for the best. She’s leaving for college anyways. i have a feeling that even after the past 5 years we’ll drift apart inevitably due to distance. I can do this, i went for a whole year without her. In that one year, i met the most wonderful people who are still important to me now.
The next thing i decided was, well not really a decision but more so a realization. I realized something really pointless but it’s important to me. I realized that i liked him. Gee, am i super late or what. He knew he liked me months ago. Why am i so slow?
A couple of days ago, I went to the spot where me and him would meet. I parked my car and sat on one of the swings and stared at the full moon. I lit a cigarette and just watched the clouds pass by. It was around 10PM? Just around the time when he would message me to come out, on school nights when i would have a test the next day or a mountain of homework. I would panic and tell him i couldn’t but he’d tell me “I DONT CARE COME OUT I MISS YOU” and so i’d grudgingly bike myself over to the park, only to find myself unable to withhold a smile from seeing his happy face. While watching the moon the only thought that comforted me was that no matter how far he was, we were still under the same sky, the same moon. I didn’t realize how much i liked him until that day, because then i realized why i couldn’t stop thinking about him. Why i couldn’t stop missing him. Now that i think back, it’s no wonder why i cried so much at the airport when he left. I barely even cried when i saw my mom off for what i thought was my last time 3 years ago.
It’s because i knew you cared unlike anyone else. I have never met anyone outside of my family that cared for me like he did. I know how naive that sounds but it’s true. When i got kicked out he was the one constantly messaging me asking me to call him to make sure i was okay and had a place to stay. Every day at school he’d hug me and make sure i knew i could do it and reminded me to enjoy things. Every time he saw me he made sure to ask how i was doing and he’d sit and listen to me ranting about school and things he probably had no idea about. He told me things that most of my friends wouldn’t dare tell me. He made sure i knew that family was number 1. He always had the best interest for me. He genuinely enjoyed my presence. He was like that though. I can’t believe i realize now when it’s too late. I know things will change, but at least i can admit my real feelings now.
I have yet to finish venting but i’m running low on time. It’s already been 45 minutes? Wow, well i’ll finish this tomorrow or something. Man i already feel a helluva lot better.
so my mom’s leaving for korea in about 3 hours. i had found out just the day before. I’m so fucking jealous. i wish i can go on the plane with her. Korea just makes me feel like i’m back at home. Where i can just walk out and be on my own, go on my own adventures, find small locations where i can just sit and be alone, etc. I’m so jealous. I don’t want to be here.
But, on the bright side, i got to drive today. I haven’t driven in so long. Even though it wasn’t the prius, i’m still happy that i was able to drive around town for a couple of hours. First thing i did was pick Hannah up of course. There’s no one else i would rather see than her. Afterwards we tried to go to tattoo bill’s but we ended up getting lost and heading towards uptown. We decided we would go to Amelie’s since we were already in the area. Right when we got into the line, some old ladies started eavesdropping on our conversation. Of course i was telling hannah about what’s been going on in my life with boys, and so the ladies in front started to snicker and whisper things. With my carefree self i didn’t really give a shit so i didn’t pay attention to them, but Hannah did. She heard them say “Where’s your daddy?” and she wanted to go off on them. She told me later what she had heard and I didn’t really get upset about it until i got home. Where’s my daddy? My daddy gave me a fucking concussion you fucking bitch. Where’s my daddy? My daddy repetitively punched my face a couple of nights ago you fucking bitch. Where’s my daddy? FUCK YOU. I’m just glad hannah called them out on it. Later when we were waiting in the long ass line, she said “I fucking HATE inconsiderate bitches” and the two women heard us. The old, short one glared at hannah as if she was going to say something and hannah glared right back. Man, i’m glad to have a friend like her.
After Amelie’s we went to Tattoo Bill’s to get my eyebrow piercing fixed and luckily the guy who liked us was there! We gave him hugs and chatted for a bit and he gave me a new piercing for free. He’s so kind and nice, i was so happy that he was there instead of the sub that was there 2 weeks before. Once that was taken care of, we headed towards Blakeney with our to-go box from Amelies.
Man going to Blakeney just made me so happy. That was me and Hannah’s spot from before, when i had my prius. We’d go there and smoke and talk and eat and it was perfect. But then i got grounded so we couldn’t do that anymore. I was so fucking depressed.
There was no one i could really talk and smoke with. Not like how i could with hannah.
I can find someone to smoke with easily but it’s not the same because they can’t talk about anything interesting or they’re awkward. I can find someone to talk to but i can’t smoke with them because they don’t smoke or if i do it’s by myself and i end up feeling guilty. So basically me and hannah both agreed there was no one else we could do that with except with each other and i was so relieved to know that i wasn’t the only one who felt that way.
So what did we do when we got to the back of Blakeney? We took pictures, talked about everything, ate, and smoked. I missed her so much. There’s no one else i enjoy talking to as much as her. I’m so frightened of next year when she’s off to college. I don’t know what i’m going to do. I honestly don’t really know how i’m going to handle it.
Anyways, an update of this week: I got into governor school. Yay. Big deal. Not really. The competition was too easy. No one really gave a fuck, or if they did, it didn’t show. I felt so stupid for trying even a little bit. I’m kind of pissed that i have to waste 6 weeks of my summer at school, and i’m even more pissed that i won’t be able to smoke either. The only reason i even tried to get in was so that i could get my car back.
I got a concussion this week so my head feels really heavy and painful. Every time i make contact with anything with my head, i feel a sharp pain that reminds me of that night. God i get so angry and i just want to punch someone or some thing. I’m so fucking weak.
it’s already 1:40 and i have so much shit to do. So much fucking shit that i want to cry and run away from it. But no i can do this. I can do this. I’m doing this to help myself so that one day i can help others. You can’t take care of anyone else until you take care of your self.