Has this ever happened to you? when you lay on your bed at night thinking a bunch of what ifs, then you fall asleep and you have a dream with all those what ifs happening, and then waking up to your normal life, without those what ifs events.
i feel like the past 3 months has all been a what if dream of mine.
and i woke up a 3 days ago. i feel like there’s no proof for me to believe the past 3 months hasn’t been a dream.
“When you will not fly into a passion people know you are stronger than they are, because you are strong enough to hold in your rage, and they are not, and they say stupid things they wish they hadn’t said afterward. There’s nothing so strong as rage, except what makes you hold it in—that’s stronger. It’s a good thing not to answer your enemies.”—
i realized lately i had alot more depth in my actions back then, than now. i just dont want to think anymore. no emotional feelings and no thought. I’m not scared, I’m just too lazy. I’m afraid I’m meaninglessly wandering through life, and its not because I’m depressed its because I’m too lazy to do anything, yet I’m not lazy to complain. So while i sit there, or wander, I’m like a hopeless hungry child starving, complaining for food, yet doing nothing about it.
how pathetic and disgusting, what am I supposed to do about myself.
i guess its time to change, and straighten up, but i’m too lazy to do so. i know all of this yet my body does not fully understand. or does not want too. maybe its not my body but me. who knows. excuses mann.
“I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can’t feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.”—Charles Bukowski
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”—Khalil Gibran
i don’t really know how to describe how i feel into words but here goes:
so I’ve seen these two best friends, and i realize they are like in their own separate world, they are encased into their own universe with one another. They are completely themselves, and can trust each other 100%. They create the illusion that you are inside their realm but you’re really not, cause you’re only temporary in their eyes. to them they only have each other, they rely on each other, have fun, and completely distance themselves from other people. it is a gap no one can narrow, a gap no one can enter and they don’t want anyone to. They don’t have the bitter taste of fake-ness in their friendship or of the feeling that it is only temporary, but of genuine, reality, and mystery all beautifully combined together. they make me envious, whenever i see them they make me want my own best friend that i can close off the whole world to and not think about anyone but them. have fun with them, be weird with them, and not worry about what they’ll think of me, or worry about someone taking them. i want to trust that i’ll always be there number one and they’ll always be mine. it sounds like a love, doesn’t it? because it really is. There’s no need for short-lasting relationships, but for pure and sweet friendship.