“There’s something that not a single person in this world has seen. It’s gentle, and very sweet. Probably, if they ever had the chance to see it anyone would want it. That’s why the world hid it… So that you couldn’t find it easily. But someday, someone will find it. That one person who should have it will be able to find it…and that is how we began.”— Ryuji& Taiga in ‘Toradora!’
i am a lazy person, and i am so not proud of that.
there are two people in me. One that wants to work very hard and put 100% efforts on the things they do there always like
" you can do it ! dont give up ! put your 100% in and surely you’ll be happy! "
… and one thats just like
" who gives a fuck, chill, relax, you don’t need to try so hard you’ll make me look pathetic"
sigh i want to get rid of the lazy side of me, but its an internal struggle, a war. the lazy side of me, sure gets to do anything she wants, and is always relaxed comfortable and carefree, but is always hurting people for her careless actions, and is always jealous and unsatisfied. leaving it partially lazy partially confused. and the working hard side of me, deals with all sorts of hardships and gets herself hurt ALOT, but is always happy, makes others happy (at least tries to that is) and is content in the end. key word: in the end. sigh i don’t even know which one i want to be. im , obviously, leaning more towards the working hard side, but its so difficult to let go of the lazy side of me which is screaming at me half the time ” take a nap, dont care what other people think, who are they to judge? do whatever you want, you can be relaxed and comfortable ” and i know if i listen to her, at the end, my heart will be dissatisfied with what i’ve done, and tell me ” are you happy with what you chose? ” and OF COURSE my answer is “no.” ……
i need to change and fix things,… its so hard, …how will i manage T___T
WISH ME LUCK FOLLOWERS! *mumbles* ill need it. T___T
HOLY OH MY MOTHER GOD OF GAH WHAT THE HELL IS THIS I DONT EVEN HOLY FGKDAJFLNAREKGAERLGADKFBANFDHBA.
i have mixed feelings. I don’t want to leave, i want to be with Hannah, and hang out with people and chillax at home. I hate the thought that this is my LAST time going to Korea till i finish high school.. ,nfdlgajfsfgn NOOOO. WHAT THE HELLLL T__T;;
but at the same time i kinda want to leave, and just chill at Korea and not give a fuck about people back in the US. Of course i kinda like the thought of going to Korea cause then i can study for high school in peace, EATTT, shop, EATTT, sing at noraebangs, EATTT, eat and not care about gaining weight since I’m walking all over the city, EATTT. yeah.. did i mention eating ? LOL.
ah idk idk idk MIXED FEELINGS DRIVE ME INSANEE T__T;;
When i was about 9 or 10, when my brother was only 3, 4 or 5 (my memory with age is horrible, time has its tricks with me) i used to teach him things that normally kids his age wouldn’t learn. Normal kids didnt know the alphabet at his age or how to read or spell. They didn’t know what addition, subtraction, multiplication, or division was. I was just beginning to learn all sorts of things in elementary school, like addition and subtraction with huge numbers, and fractions, etc. I felt so smart, and i was so happy i wanted my precious little brother to know what i felt, since he was too young to start school yet. I got a huge white board from my dad since i cried and complained for it, and i used it to teach my brother what i was learning. Of course i started with the basics, the alphabet, the number line , etc. Once we passed that i kept teaching him. Eventually he grew older, and more mouthy. And since my mom spoiled him to an unlimited extent, he found out, that if he whined or fake cried just a little she would come to his rescue and yell at me. So he used my mom to interfere with his teaching and i was devastated, i wanted to help him and keep teaching him, but i couldn’t because of my stupid mother, and since he was so young he didn’t know what he was doing. So i had to eventually stop. Of course i got over it and decided teaching wasn’t my thing and moved on. Today i had to be a teacher at a Korean school i was helping out for some community service hours. the kids were a little older from my brother back then, but nevertheless they were still young and so i taught them Korean. They were really happy since normally the teachers at the old broken down Korean school, didn’t really TEACH them they just handed them useless worksheets. I felt happy too.
I realized then, that i really enjoy teaching , especially little kids.
“If you asked me now who I am, the only answer I could give with any certainty would be my name. For the rest, my loves, my hates, down even to my deepest desires, I can no longer say whether these emotions are my own or stolen from those I once so desperately wished to be.”—Charles Ryder, Brideshead Revisited
If your real, and alive.. If your out there let me tell you this.
Hi i am Jessica (eekamimo) Yun, and i am only 13 years old. I am pretty much a noob in life, and I’m only in 8th grade almost about to be a freshman. I dont have alot of experience in life compared to adults but i sometimes like to believe so. Right now, in this time of my life i should be focused on my studies, and giving my 100% effort in all the things i do. Well at least i believe i should. I shouldn’t waste my time looking for you. I shouldn’t think about ’ love ’ . Yet let me tell you this, I am going to re-create myself, to become someone that even i myself might look up to, i will polish myself up for you. I am willing to. I will become a better person, in every way i can. So that when i actually do come across you, i will deserve , in some way, to have you. I dont want to find someone i love with all my heart and be a burden to them in any way. I dont want to pull them down, and instead i want to help and pull them up. But i cant do that in this state! I’m horrible right now and that is why I am only 13, during the next years of my life, i will fix myself, and become the me i want to be, and that way, when i meet you i wont disappoint you. I will save myself for you, my future lover. When i meet you i will give you my all, my 100%. I promise to cherish you and never let you go, i promise to never let my pride get in the way of love. I promise to not be lazy. And these are my promises to you.
if your real, alive, and breathing… if your out there.. i want you to know…, i’ll be ready.
“I wonder if the snow loves the trees and fields— that it kisses them so gently? And then it covers them up snug, you know, with a white quilt; and perhaps it says, ‘Go to sleep, darlings, till the summer comes again.’”—Lewis Carroll
What is your view on how to get everything you want out of life?
how to get everything you want out of life: multiple answers: - work hard, you gotta deserve and work towards something you want right? and even if you dont get it at least you can say at the end ” at least i tried my 100% best! ” and that enough is pretty brave& something you could be prideful of(: -be satisfied or content with what you have and accept things in life,and in that way you can get everything you want out of life. because if you dont get what you want(and still worked for it) you still got something out if it because your going to be the better person and be satisfied that at least you tried and not beat yourself down. but you have to be careful to not mix up accepting as an excuses for not trying. you should always try if you think its worth it, and have the energy too! O: - believing in yourself and having confidence, is another way to get everything you want out of life. if you believe in yourself , that way you have the courage to take risks, to try, and to always take that first step towards whatever your working for! and if you believe in yourself you’ll most likely give your 100% effort to get the things you want in life, and be satisfied with who you are. * another thing is i have more answers but they depend on mostly what your idea of what you want out of life really is* all my answers tie in to one another if you think about it. so thats my view O: its ironic because im not any of those T__T LOL im lazy& unsatisfied ;__;. sigh oh well i guess i wont get everything i want out of life (:> (p.s) buuuutt at the same time what I, ME, want out of life is to pretty much have a relaxed happy life so who knows maybe i am getting everything i want in life, :D (p.s.s) wait o.o i dont even KNOW what i want in life right now =__=;; LOL WHO KNOWS :DDDDDD <3
the reason why i am so uncomfortable is because of myself.
it is not others who bother me. its myself. everything i do, ever single little fucking thing i do, i criticize myself for it. Just for once i cant give myself a break, and it;s just fucking horrible. I feel like i get broken down because of it. When someone insults me, its not them that affects me, its the me inside of me saying ” its true,” or encouraging whatever insult it was, and killing me with it. so yes technically i beat myself down. I cant make a simple hand gesture, body movement, or say a single sentence, without myself criticizing me. this is another thing that drives me insane. Im constantly at war with myself. Trying to figure the difference between insults, sugar-coated lies, excuses, truths, wishes, greedy desires, everything. Why cant i just be at peace, or satisfied, or just content with me? why do i wish to satisfy the needs of others? why do i find myself imperfect in everyway? Why do i bring myself down..? Its not like i purposely mean to do it, its like out of habit, i insult everything i do or choose, and thats why im constantly uncertain with my decisions and choices, and rely on other people. i find all these truths& facts about myself yet i can never seem to fix them. thats another bad thing about me. one after another, i find all these bad traits about me. When will they come to an end? Will i ever hit rock bottom? When will i start fixing these? When will i start ACCEPTING these? When will i finally be satisfied…… a reason why i stay up all night is because this is what i do. Think. all i do is think. about all the bad things about me…………….hell is my head. and i wish to get out of it.
And watch clouds pass by.
I wonder what your doing right now .
I wonder when things will start moving.
I wonder how long will God keep me from seeing you.
I wonder how long I have to wait .
I hate waiting .
I’m impatient when it comes to you.
Fuck, you drive me insane& off the wall.pulls hair out
GAHHH WHAT THE HECK.. am I supposed to do , when the only thing I think about is you ?! Your the one who runs around my mind throughtout the day. Your the one popping in my dreams. Your the one that I can’t stop thinking about. your the one that constantly enters my thoughts and hurts my pride . dear god if your there please don’t keep me waiting long because I don’t think I can handle it any longer .
i want to live in my dreams. I guess thats why i sleep so much. my dreams are so, fascinating. So much more intriguing and beautiful than reality. in my dreams im by myself, i can be myself and not worry. Yesterday, i was in a 3 hr drive to this boarding school called NCSSM. During the drive i fell into deep sleep and i had the best dream. I saw You again, i can’t even remember Your face when I’m awake and i can’t remember Your voice either but in my dream there You were, unmistakably. You called out my name “Jess” like you did 2 years back. i looked at You, because you see, the setting was at my taekwondo (random) and class had just finished, i was coming out of the changing room and my mom was waiting outside in the car as usual. As i was making my way to the exit i was too busy looking at my watch to notice that You were standing in front of the exit. I thought ” oh some random guy ” and i was trying to slide past. but then You stepped to the left and i bumped into You, making my look up to Your eyes. magically in my dream, time stopped. i stared at You. i couldn’t believe, understand, or comprehend that You were right in front of me. But what shocked me even more…was that You didn’t ignore me, You didn’t run away, You called out my name. “Jess”. again. Your voice. You talked, not to someone, but to me. I couldn’t move my eyes away from You, scared that You were going to disappear like foam. of course this was a dream but it felt to real. Time started again but it was going very slowly, and i couldn’t speak. all i could do was stare at You, smiling. He was acting normal as if we started where we left off 2 years back as friends, but i was quiet, i was too busy taking everything, he did, in. I hugged him. And i felt at peace, i closed my eyes, i wanted to stay like that forever. ” 윤정현!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” i heard my moms voice. my eyes opened slightly. in my dream for some reason i had this weird feeling saying “i have to go” but for some reason those words made me feel.. very sad. For the first time i opened my mouth, and the words “i have to go” came out of my mouth, but i couldn’t hear anything, i couldn’t hear my own words that were coming out of my mouth. and with that i slipped past Him and i ran to my car.. Thats when i woke up. Smiling. With tears in my eyes, that dream made me so happy, because ..even though it wasn’t real i was with You