▷THE AUTUMN SKY◁

during my time here in korea, ive learned two key things. 

to appreciate- Before i came to Korea, i used to complain, and whine a lot about my life. Things like how i hated people, and how i didn’t need anyone. I was so ungrateful towards people who would stay and accompanied me, who gave an effort to talk and get to know me..,i was so ungrateful for the life i had.. which was way better compared to peoples in Africa(sounds cliche but its true) and also to peoples who have lost everything they had.. This trip to korea, gave me a reality check, it really opened my eyes. i never knew how lucky i was to have the people i have now and back in America. For a while i kept picking at their(the people who gave an effort to associate with me) flaws, and said things in my mind like i don’t need them, and the worst part is: i took them for granted. i kept having negative thoughts about them, and always forgetting about the things they did do for me and instead remembering the things they should have done/didn’t do for me. Now that I’ve learned how to appreciate people and life a little bit more, i think i can be a lot happier than i was before. When i get back from America, I’m going to show everyone, EVERYONE who is still with me, how truly precious people they are to me. I’m thankful, so thankful, for people like Jon, Hannah, Rachel, Katie, and more, i realize now how beautiful they really are. 

to have patience- i used to have a lot of patience when i was younger, just because i was younger. But the more i grew, my amount of patience lessened. i don’t really understand why, but i think its because thoughts like “why do i have to ___” entered my mind as i grew older. During my time here in Korea, with relatives, i realized i need patience to survive, and to be happy. Without patience there is nothing but quick and rash decisions that lead to mistakes and trouble. Patience is the key to getting along with other people, because patience also leads to understanding, accepting, and the key to a wider view of things. My vacation in Korea is coming to an end, and i have a bit more patience then i had before, because of my realization of how good it is to have it. Sometimes its best to keep your mouth shut and say your opinions later after you listen to everything. Sometimes its best to not judge someone so quickly because you have yet to know them completely. These all have to do with having a bit of patience, and you win the game. I’m so glad that i’ve gained more patience then i had in the beginning of my trip and I’m going to keep practicing to maintain that patience, with not only myself, but with other people too.  

This years trip to Korea was really helpful for me, and I’m so grateful that i got to learn these two key things. 

Who says you even have them? You may think you have some but you really don’t, they’re insecurities. Mind over matter, it’s all psychological, you think everyone sees only your flaws because you sit there agonizing over things that are negligible. When in fact, you’re beautiful just the way you are, and there are people who DO see that, not the inadequacies you think you have,

i got my color contacts. now all i need to do is bleach my hair & im all done (: 

Marriage.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?   

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!   

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.   

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.   When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.   

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.   

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.   

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.   

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.   

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.   

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.   

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.   

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.   

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.   

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.   

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.   At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.   

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….   

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!  

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.   

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” 

I saw this on the internet.. I thought I would share this on tumblr to my followers and randoms.

eekamimo: i reblogged this from http://nathan-persuasion.tumblr.com/post/5222334447/marriage it made me cry so much</3

Its 4am over here. Your problably wondering why I’m not asleep right now. Actually, I don’t Know why I’m not either, but I do know I’ve just given myself some good advice 5 minutes ago LOL. I was on facebook seeing if I had any notifications and after I checked I remembered about my rolemodel and decided to see if she was doing well. I looked at her wall and saw she was doing well…. Without me. I felt happy for a brief moment but soon came an all-too familiar feeling of…. Jealousy my good ol butt cheek buddy.

Whenever it comes down to my rolemodel … Just this one girl .. I get overloaded with extreme jealousy and I don’t under stand why. For a full year or two I haven’t felt this strong of this feeling, I was happy to think that I overcame my jealousy… But now i’m not so sure ..

Haha it’s funny because it feels like deja vu from two years back (:> when I saw my rolemodel going out with my ex on myspace while i was in korea I was filled with a feeling of great sadness anger and jealousy. now I only feel jealousy but it still means I’m upset.

Anyways here I was laying down next to my grandma who was and still is deeply asleep, trying to think ” why do I always get jealousy of the one person I really care about? ” and I came to the conclusion that, I seem to look up to her but also compare myself to her . I find all my flaws yet I can’t see any in her, I can’t be at peace with myself because I cannot let go of the fact that she is her and I am me . I can’t let go .

I find myself at a struggle when I really get attached to something/someone . It feels almost impossible for me to .. Let go. But yet that is a neccesity if I want to, for once, be happy, satisfied, and content. I need to learn to let things go and remember things happen for a reason. Things are in some sort of particular way for a reason and I need to understand that… Because if i don’t I will never be at peace.. I will never be happy.