something’s wrong with me these past few weeks. I can’t put my finger on what it is, or maybe it’s just because i can’t put things into words very well. But lately I’ve realized I’m getting annoyed, and frustrated with people more easily. I’m complaining more, I’m thinking more, I’m killing my insides, I’ve gotten more rotten. I just don’t feel like my normal self. Nothing big has happened, what’s going on? why am i getting mad so quickly about the smallest things? Why am i so unhappy?
whenever i’m unhappy i always try to make myself happy, and do something about it, instead of complaining on and on. but lately i just feel so tired, cranky, pissed off, frustrated, annoyed, irritated, disgusted, guilty, and i feel neglected. i just feel all these negative emotions and i don’t know where all of these feelings are coming from. i don’t know where the source of the problem is. Is it cause i’m tired? No that can’t be it, there’s been months throughout this year where i would get 1 hr of sleep but be 10x more happy then i was now.
i used to always tell myself to swim, not sink. i would give myself a mental hug after every mental slap, but now i’m drowning from my own bitterness, my anger is driving me insane, i can’t calm down. what the fuck is going on.
maybe people just naturally irritate me, and that i’m naturally supposed to be better off alone. god they can all go to hell.
something’s changed inside of me, and i can’t get used to it, and i’m driving myself off a cliff.
So apparently after my family vacation, a few bed bugs tried to hitch hike from the hotel we stayed at in georgia, and they managed to get out of the suit case and into our house, so now i am paranoid as fuck. I have a little fear of small things, that can reproduce quickly, and invade just as fast. So i havent gotten much sleep from that, which is really bad since i have finals coming up. Not only that but surprisingly enough i’ve had to think about something that i normally never waste my time thinking about. I just feel like this week is gonna be a doosie.
in the midst of all of this, i still have to keep my grades up. school, why can’t you just do everyone a favor and fuck yourself.
“There is no point in keeping vengeance or stubbornness. These things” -he sighed- “these things I so regret in my life. Pride. Vanity. Why do we do the things we do?”—Mitch Albom, Tuesdays With Morrie
Yesterday, I woke up at one o’ clock and checked my phone. I missed a call. I called the person, specifically one of my close friends, back and the phone had to ring a few times for her to pick up. She was appalled that I had just woken up, and had to yell at me to wake up a few times, to get my brain functioning properly. We had a short discussion about what the plan was today; we were going to watch Avengers, and hang around the area with all of us, which was her, arun, and me. Oh, how those plans changed.
Four hours later, after that conversation; i found myself sitting on a big red ball in front of Target, pouting and being frustrated about how plans were drastically changed. It was all due to a slight misunderstanding. I specifically wanted to just spend my day with the two people who were closest to me, not with some other people that i didn’t know. Why? Because I am a selfish bitch, who had felt anxious all throughout my week, who felt the winds of change that were coming their way, and was unconsciously trying to do everything in my power to ignore and stop it, but all at the same time, not show it. I was scared, that the two people closest to me were being stolen away by the rolling tides of change, by new people that were coming into their life. They always reminded me and told me not to worry, that I would never be replaced. It was just that, even so, i was scared, and easily said things like words were now not enough to give me a sense of security.
I knew the type of people my two friends were getting close with, they were in their own specific group, and i’m sure they were all friendly. It was just, I loved the ways things are now, and I didn’t want it to change so quickly. I, to begin with, had a harder time then my two friends to be myself with new people. Also, i just… didn’t feel like trying today. I just wanted to relax.
The misunderstand was, was that i wanted to only be with them, but one of them didn’t know that, and accidentally invited a friend of his, and his friend invited people i had heard of, but never really met. I was upset, like i had said, i only wanted to be with the two people who were closest to me that day.
I hate to admit now, realizing how much of a bitch I was acting like, but I tried to leave. Of course my friends stopped me and told me that if the new people were friends with them, they would definitely accept me. In the end, they managed to convince me and I stayed.
Later on, the new people came to join us. And as the sun went down, i got more and more comfortable and had more and more fun with the new people. I got to know them better, and liked them more. At the end of the day, when everyone had left, I smiled and I was so grateful that this day was so good to me.
Now, as i look back at yesterday, i realize how my intimidation of new people almost got in the way of meeting new wonderfully lovely people, making new friends, and having a fantastic time. I need to have more confidence, and remind myself once in a while to just relax and let things flow. You’ll feel so much better.