“If you were mine, I’d kiss your ankles and neck and the tip of your nose. I’d bring you film canisters filled with love notes and interesting books and I’d send you texts with random facts whenever I discovered something new. I’d show up at your house at midnight with a pot of your favourite kind of tea and a blanket and tell you to come down so we could lie down on your lawn and look at the stars. I’d go into the city with you and throw away your map and search for someplace beautiful. I’d photograph you every day. I’d buy you baggy t-shirts and sing to you constantly. I’d give you your space if you wanted it, I’d make you mixes for every week we’d been together, I’d hold your hand underwater, and I’d love you until you asked me not to.”—Camryn Pulaski Day
i want to be able to say those words with confidence one day.
I want to be able to say those words with out thoughts like ‘i hope we don’t fall apart.’ or ‘things are going to go downhill from here on’ in the back of my mind, or feel scared or doubtful.
i want to be able to shout those words one day to someone and i want them to touch their heart. I want to say them with purity and innocence. With nothing but genuine emotions behind them. One day, perhaps..
i called up an old friend of mine, since i had time on my hands because my dad was going to pick me up late, and i didn’t see her for a year since she dropped out and started to get home schooled. I haven’t talked to her for a year, and when i saw her walk into McCalisters, i jumped up and gave her a hug that only i could give, and things seemed like as if we met only a day ago. it was so nice to see her again and catch up with each other’s lives! we had a little dinner date, and i told her about the things that happened to me this year, and how i ended up to where i am now. I stuffed my face (naturally) while she talked and it was fun, bringing back old memories, and talking about how we are now. I’ve always missed her and i was glad that i took the chance to call her. When i had to leave we made promises to make more plans in the future, i just hope that I follow through. It’s hard for me to keep in touch with people but it’s also easy for me to just call them up randomly. After yesterday, it reminded me to be thankful, not everyone has a friendship like that. And i also recently spent a day with another one of my close friends, i haven’t spent time with her in a year.this year just went by so fast! But anyways, i visited her new apartment and we spent the day at her pool, catching up and i listened eagerly about everything that happened to her this year because i cared more about what she had to say then mine. While watching her talk i realized the tone and facial expressions she had were different from a year ago, she seemed alot happier, and healthier! From that i could tell that she was finding peace with herself, and most importantly, happiness. Maybe that’s from her steady stable relationship with her boyfriend, it probably is, but she seemed really happy the past few months and if she’s happy, i’m happy. She, of all people, deserve it the most.
so i guess summer 2013 has just been full of my catching up with old friends i never had the chance to meet throughout the school year, and i guess i’m taking a break from the new close friends i made during the last school year since i was with them a little too often. Which is perfectly fine, i feel like it’s balanced (:
And i’m finally getting used to my crazy schedule, so it all seems good. I feel productive and confident by all the academic activities i’m in, and i don’t feel completely socially inactive! I’ve finally stopped this emotional rollercoaster, and i’ve picked up my strength to fight against by bad habits. yay!
so i haven’t vented in such a long time on here. i haven’t typed anything personal for a while. i don’t even have the energy to log on and vent anymore. my summer’s just too full, it’s irritating! Summer school (trying to get ahead), SAT tutoring, summer reading classes, work, lessons, community service, fucking HOMEWORK from all of them(yeah, it’s bad), and all of this is just too much for me.
i’m so used to having all the free time in the world that all of this is making me go insane. the little time i have at home, i pass out. I never see any of my friends anymore, and i’m just mad because my summer is turning out to be so much more harder than my normal school year. I’m turning so cranky and bitter from my schedule. I don’t feel like myself, i feel sloppy and pissed, and just overall- unhappy.
lately i’ve been talking to this guy, and i’m just so pissed off from the false hope i got. i thought i could trust myself enough to not give shit, but apparently i can’t. i still miss him insanely. i’ve been fucking around too much. god damn, i hate summer. At least during the school year i could have enough time and energy to look at the clouds, and hang out with my friends. at least during the school year i’m too busy having fun to focus on relationships and stupid crap like that. at least during the school year i’m happy, .. long story short- it’s just alot more bearable than this.
i just need to complain, and get it off my chest.
i hate summer. i just want the school year to start so that i can go insane and all over the place again so that i wont be giving the time to feel. so that i can feel mentally high and unfocused. blurry and unclear, the way i like it.
normally i’m alot more calm and less vulgar in my thoughts, but.. lately i just feel like i’m being shoved against a wall. i need to escape.