august 16 2014 / 8:13 AM / Old Room / Saturday

so i’ve been awake since 2 AM but i couldn’t get myself to admit my feelings until just now. My best friend of 6 years left 4 hours ago. I’ve been feeling strange since friday morning (meaning 12 AM). I said my good bye to her yesterday and i didn’t know how to feel. I just felt a tornado inside myself and i didn’t know how to handle it. I still don’t know.

It’s an internal conflict. I’m glad she’ll leave this shit hole because i know how much she’s suffered growing up here. I’m glad that she’ll be given a fresh, clean slate off in college. I’m glad that she’ll have another chance at things there compared to here. But at the same time..

i’m going to miss her. She’s one of the few people that truly knows me. She knows me better than i know myself. People always assume things about me but she doesn’t take one incident and judge me based on that one incident. She’s seen every side of me, and has been able to still stay as my friend. Jesus

we’ve gone through hell and back. We’ve gotten through so much shit through friends, family, boys, everything. i never felt 100% alone because i knew she was there.

She’s still going to be there for me; i have a good feeling we’ll always stay in touch no matter what. Yet i still feel anxious. I’m still sad.

i’m excited for everyone whose left for the next adventure yet it’s bittersweet because selfishly, deep down- i don’t want them to leave me here.

i think i’m going to just spend the next day or so just by myself. i need to step back from the current.

August 14 2014 / Thursday / 3:12 AM / Old Room

Yesterday started off on the wrong foot but it ended up on the right. I woke up to my dad’s screams with only an hour of sleep. I had spent the entire morning/night watching the final episodes of YYH and had fallen asleep to it’s soundtrack. “Aren’t you supposed to be at school?” I looked at the clock only to see that it was five till eight. I was supposed to meet henry at school around 7. I managed to fully clothe myself with whatever clothes were nearby and in literally 3 minutes i was already out of the house heading to school. I was already in a shit of a mood by being waken up at 8 but the moment i walked into school i just wanted to turn back and leave. Holy shit i don’t want school to start. In my head, i’m still injured/wounded from battle injuries of junior year. I shit you not, i barely managed to escape that year alive. All those sleepless nights, miserable mornings, and feeling as if your body was about to give out at any second.

And now that senior year is about to start, i’m beginning to feel anxiety crawl underneath my skin. Apparently i’m about to take 7 APs and i don’t really know how to react. I’m just glad i have 2 of my close friends in AP Literature and that i’ll have the opportunity to take AP Art History. I guess God granted my wish.

Anyways i got my parking spot after skipping a good handful of people and afterwards i left with gabby to talk and drink coffee behind blakeney. We catched up on multiple different topics and eventually i had to drop her off to return the car. I got home, passed out, and had the strangest dream. I still can’t remember what it was about but i just recall waking up and feeling extremely uncomfortable. I think it was my body telling me to wake the hell up because it was already 2. I was supposed to pick up stinson at 2:30 but by the time my dad came back it was already 3. I picked up Adam and then Irene and we left for the train station, where we met up with Dana and Dipty.

From there we spent our time talking, catching up, sharing our sketches, and what not. We got lost at first, found our way to the museum, spent around 30 minutes in it, and moved to the next one, the mint museum. Oh man the mint museum was something. After my governor school experience with art, i was pretty excited to see if my perspective had changed.  I can assure you i wasn’t disappointed. I realized instantly that i was more drawn to the installation and 3-D designs than the old American Art, which was ironic since in the past it was the other way around. The installation pieces fascinated me and i spent a lot of my time on that floor, taking in every piece. I won’t lie, i felt lonely though. There was no one i could share this new excitement with, since the rest didn’t really care for installation or conceptual art. It makes sense though, i didn’t even care for installation or conceptual pieces before governor school. Governor school really changed my perception on installation and conceptual work just because i had hands-on experience trying to work with the space in a gallery, writing an artist statement to be placed next to our work, and creating a piece where in every second of it’s process you can’t help but flow into streams of thought, while painting is more of a meditating process. Once you’ve had hands-on experience, i feel like it makes it 400 times easier to appreciate the physical structures of such pieces just because of the frustration and fragility that come along with the creation of such pieces. I don’t know if i’m making any sense but hey i gave it a shot to describe what the hell i was thinking.

Anyways, we drew some human portraits and afterwards we left to eat at Picasso’s (ironic right). Most of us ordered buffalo chicken wings while Adam ordered chicken tenders and myself a pizza. It was pretty good.

We left for the park, and i ended up smoking and talking to irene. I caught her up on a bit until Dana and Dipty and Stinson finally caught up to us. From here we went on a series of random activites- to riding chained up bicycles, looking at a funny mirror, pulling pranks at the hotel, singing along with the tune of a familiar song, jay-crossing, and eventually finding the train and departing our ways. 

When we got on the highway, we ended up getting stuck in traffic. My patience grew thin and i just impulsively decided to get off at the next ramp and i dropped adam off. It was really nice to see him so happy. The guy really appreciates moments that most wouldn’t even notice. It’s nice to hang out with those who can find so much joy in what others might consider as an average, mediocre occasion. Not that i’m saying that that’s how i felt, it was a pretty relaxing day but it was just nice to see someone who really really enjoyed it.

Okay i should probably start cleaning my room or something.