Lately i’ve been slowly getting my act together, and i feel more in control. Yet i still wake up at 2 AM, and i still feel the constant tug of sadness. Most people don’t understand why i put myself through so much school work and stress, but it’s because i like the work. Whenever i finish it, i’m able to feel some what accomplished,sort of like when i finish an art piece. Most times i feel inadequate in everything; socially, financially, etc. I feel strange whenever i’m around new people, and i don’t have a job so i don’t make money. I don’t make the smartest choices. I don’t have the deepest thoughts. I don’t have the nicest clothes.
I just feel like i lack everything; so i might as well make myself useful and put my thoughts and work into school. Or if school makes me inadequate, i try to focus on art or taekwondo. I feel like i’m capable of doing that at least.
But nowadays, along with the usual feeling of not belonging, i ahve been inspired to take up old hobbies or try new ones. I want to practice cooking. I want to learn how to raise plants. I want to work on my body. I want to start volunteering more.
I can feel myself slowly changing day by day. The way i think and the way i perceive things. This is the process of growing up. This is what it feels like to pass through the tender age of 16.
I find myself reading more often now that i don’t have a TV. I find myself managing time more efficiently now that i want to pull up my grades. I find myself chewing more and savoring the taste of food. I find myself sitting in front of a desk more often instead of laying on my bed. I find myself cleaning instead of leaving everything in a mess.
I know i’m changing because my habits are. I’d like to believe these are all healthy changes.
Ambition is contagious. Surround yourself with people who aspire, strive, and work toward their futures. It starts to rub off on you. I guess that’s why i really love being around Nikita. She faces constant struggles at home with her parents, yet she continues to work hard and give her 100%. Seeing her makes me want to believe that i have a chance. A chance at proving others wrong, and a chance at proving myself wrong.
I may not be the smartest, but i am definitely not stupid. Even if it’s small, i have talent. Even if i am inconsistent, i still have the courage to try new things. Even if i don’t feel like i belong, i can still try.