October 20 2014 / 8:38 PM / New Room / Monday

i want to remember the thoughts that run through my mind because i end up forgetting them later. In the future, i want to look back at these posts and remember the memories.

so i’m going to record this weekend in the attempt that i don’t fuck up again.

friday - Holy shit, i had the best time friday. Right after school, i was on my way to drop Irene off when we noticed Lopez and Perry walking on the sidewalk to blakeney. Instantly, i decided to meet up with them. It was friday and i was in a good mood. We met up in the back of starbucks where Kyle and Vanessa were sitting. We talked for a bit and then I left to drop off Irene. I came back and some how me and Lopez ended up leaving to Quaylin’s (is that how you spell his name??). Man, i haven’t hung around the group in ages. It’s not even a group, i don’t even know how to label these guys. Anyways it felt great, i felt really relaxed. Only is it when i’m around these guys do i feel like i can breathe. I don’t feel any sort of judgement, comparison, inadequacy, etc. whatever. I just feel like i’m in the present and there’s nothing to worry about. Every now and then it’s good to hang out with these people. Well at least for me. Anyways we ended up just playing music in Quaylin’s living room and dancing to whatever. Everyone bashed me for playing ‘satanic’ music but honestly it was hilarious and i didn’t give a damn. At one point Lopez started to play “Interior Crocodile Alligator” and ┬áholy shit that made me laugh like crazy. Every one was dancing, pretending to cook, etc. It was Chris, Quaylin, Thurman (him and Quay are brothers, da fuq i had no idea), Rafi, Lopez, and Brian. Eventually we had to leave because Quay’s mom was coming and so we dipped and met at the Mcdonalds in Blakeney. Now let me tell you some weird shit happened in the car. First lopez asked to DJ and normally i would’ve shot him down but i just didn’t really care that day. Instantly he started to play Flawless - Beyonce, and goddamn. GODDAMN THE KID GRABBED MY WATER BOTTLES IN THE BACK AND STARTED GRINDING UP AGAINST MY CAR AND POURING WATER ALL OVER HIMSELF. I couldn’t stop laughing. I swear we were about to get into an accident. 10 minutes after i pulled up to everyone at mcdonalds and HE WAS STILL DANCING AND POURING WATER ON HIMSELF. my car seat got wet but it was okay i didn’t care i was too busy trying not to piss myself from laughing so hard.

From there me rafi and lopez went to target to get some shirts for Lopez’s business and then we came back. Man, there were some major rats running around. Maybe it’s cause it was a friday night, i don’t know, but damn. There were girls who appeared to be like 13 wearing no shoes running around, a lot of groups. I was feeling aggressive so i fucked with a few but it was all harmless. We (Chris Thurman Brian and I) ended up just chillin by chris’s car with the trunk open and what not. We were dancing to music bumping. Eventually Rafi and Lopez came back from their errands and Quaylin pulled up in his car. Now with all three cars, Quaylin’s little red car with my prius and chris’s 4 runner, we just blasted our speakers to whatever music we had with the windows down. Damn it was the fucking best, and it was all in the parking lot between McDonalds and CVS. I was playing Gucci, Chris was playing Schoolboy Q, Quaylin was playing some other Beyonce song. Lopez was dancing around all three. Chris started driving around in circles with brian’s ass basically hanging out from the window and the doors open. Damn we were stupid but i loved every second of it. I felt rebellious and alive. Rules broken, I felt like i could breathe. This day just felt like a wave of nostalgia back to freshman/sophomore year. Man i loved it. Anyways, afterwards, we drove to Chris’s dealer, and eventually some how we all ended up back behind starbucks where we met Amanda and Sam. Aw man this day just kept getting better. We talked, smoked, talked, etc. It was so good seeing Amanda, i always feel comfortable around her. Anyways, after awhile i got antsy (i was really fucking jittery and energetic that day i really don’t know why, maybe it’s cause of all the music and dancing and hype that happened) and so i left with Quaylin for errands. Oh man Quaylin’s so fucking fun. We played beyonce and he kept grabbing his weird tiger tail as a microphone and singing and damn. It was great. We ended up parking in front of switzer’s house and picking up some guy in my euro class. i didn’t even recognize the poor kid but hey when do i ever notice people in my classes? later we picked up bud, hot boxed Quaylin’s car, and i eventually got dropped off (i forgot to mention that i dropped everyone and my car off at some point). I ended the night by watching Hellsing ultimate. Damn it was a fucking great day. I felt carefree again. For the first time in a while i felt inner peace. Even now i really don’t understand why i did, but i guess it’s cause these guys live in the present. I love it.

Saturday- Had c2, studied Calculus, etc. Went home to only eventually come back out to get some art supplies. I picked up stinson and fraser. We went to cheap joes and it was fucking hilarious to watch stinson freak out. I love messing with him. Eventually, i had to drop fraser off, and me and stinson ended up getting ice cream. We talked, and then i dropped him off because my dad was pushing me to come back home. Okay now here’s where sit just kind of hit the roof. I came back home, played fable, and waited till i got to watch my weekly toonami shit but then i got a call. Who was it? of course it was Elephant. He told me how he needed a ride but i told him i couldn’t help him. Next thing i know, i got a text from him saying he was in front of my house. Now i knew he was drunk as hell from the phone call earlier, but i was stunned because i didn’t know why he came to my house. Out of fear, i ignored his messages and calls but later he got the best of me and i called him back 20 minutes later, only to find out his phone died. I called him like 20 times to make sure that his phone was dead and he wasn’t calling me at the same time. I grabbed my brother’s jacket and i snuck out, paranoid and terrified because i was worried about him. I climbed over the right fence, and i didn’t see him. I couldn’t yell or call out his name out of fear that my dad would hear through the windows (surprisingly you can hear a lot). I walked all the way to the end of the street and turned back around. I knew something was wrong. The last message he sent me said he was outside of my house. I headed back to my house and checked the other fence, only to find him walking out of the shadows. I breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t know why i was so worried. I guess it was because he was drunk and it was cold. I asked him if he needed my jacket and he turned down my offer. Instead he gave me a couple of beers to place in my jacket. I don’t know how or why he came to my place but i was stuck with him at this point. I called the last person i saw with a car, which was Sina. (Sina had dropped by earlier that evening to give me my wii controllers and for Nika to pick up her late birthday gift). Thankfully, Sina pulled through and i got him in the car. I was contemplating on just asking Sina to do my a favor and drop him off but i was too concerned and too impulsive and i just hopped right into the car with him. Sina was already with some guys and we ended up doing weird random shit. Surprisingly Elephant and Sina and his friends got along. Maybe it’s because Taylor was Vietnamese, idk. Finally, we were able to drop Elephant off but at this point he begged me to come inside. I didn’t really want to. At that moment, i wanted to just end things with him completely face to face. I wanted to let him know my feelings and run. But instead, cowardly, i followed him. Sina left, and i already had a weird gut feeling so i asked him to be prepared to pick me up around 4 at the latest. As we entered Elephant’s house, not even 10 minutes in, i got a phone call from my Dad. it was 3. shit. shit. shit shit. I told him i had to go. Instead he proceeded to kiss my neck and pull my pants. I didn’t want this. i didn’t like it. for once i just wanted him to lay next to me. to comfort me. for once, i didn’t want the sex. i didn’t want anything like that. i wanted something innocent. something to show that i actually meant something. No. that night, was weird. i was high, and i just stared at him as he proceeded. He knew something was up. Every minute or so he caressed my face and asked me what was wrong. i just started at his face, except there was nothing to stare at except a dark moving shadow. I felt disconnected with reality. i felt like i wasn’t in my body. None of it meant anything. I felt empty and cold. I pushed him off and i put my clothes back on. I called sina, and i left. He followed. A cigarette in my mouth, i waited outside. One of his friend’s car was outside. Sina came, and i wanted to finally tell him the truth.

In the end, i couldn’t. I think that was my last chance.

While sina proceeded to drive me home, i didn’t understand anything. All i knew was my dad was being silent and so i didn’t want Sina to get involved. So i told him to detour and go to stonecrest. I could get picked up from there. I had an instinctive feeling that my dad’s silence was a hint. As sina mindlessly drove around i poured out my raw, unfiltered thoughts. i don’t think he was paying attention though, because he was too busy in his state of mind.

Eventually i asked Sina to drop me off on the side of the street next to blakeney, and i walked to starbucks where i was picked up by a cop car, with my dad in it. Thank god i was able to prevent Sina from getting into anything. In the cop car, i was too high to really listen to what he was asking. He was just asking a bunch of sexist questions and i was seriously contemplating on telling both the cop and my dad “OF COURSE the ONLY reason why i would sneak out is to see a guy, because obviously thats the only thing 17 year girls have on their mind. It’s not like i was trying to help someone or anything. It’s not like if i was a guy, you would be asking me stupid questions. Yes sir i saw a guy because obviously i wanted to fuck. Yes. Yes my grades are awful i’m actually going to get held back for a year because i’m such an awful little girl. It’s not like i’m 17. It’s not like i’m GOING TO BE AN ADULT IN A YEAR” i just find it pointless and stupid to punish someone for being out at night. how is that a fucking crime? For our safety? yeah i guess that’s a good enough reason i suppose BUT IT DOESNT MEAN YOU, MR COP, GET TO ASSUME THAT IM SOME DIRTY SLUT JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO ROAM AT NIGHT. yeah my dad says only bad people are out at night but maybe i’m not the best person. I’m not a slut but i’m definitely not a horrible awful human being just because i like the night better than the day. i ended up just not responding to anything or anyone and i went upstairs and watched cowboy bebop and passed out.

sunday - i spent the entire day sulking. I spent the entire day doing nothing. My dad took my keys, and my phone was disconnected. i contemplated on whether i should rebel or just not care. i went with neither. Instead, i talked to nikita. Man. i really don’t know what i would do with out her. Unlike hannah, unlike my parents, unlike most people who care about me, she gave me a reality check without feeling like an utter piece of shit. i think that’s what i liked most. She has faith in me. I know the others do too but they just don’t convey it at all. She was able to snap me back to reality without blaming me or sounding like she knew more than me. She gave me her honest opinion, and not in the snobby way that hannah used to do. She helped me realize that this wasn’t the time to have a mid-life crisis and that i had a goal to reach.

i thank god every day for letting me meet the friends i have today. Each and every one of them.

i smoked a bit, and came back in happier than ever. Even though my dad was uttering curses at me under his breathe, i really didn’t mind. I had someone who believed in me and cared about me and that was the best feeling in the world. The BEST feeling in the entire universe. A feeling of belonging and genuine care. That night i was able to study a bit for calc, work on Lit hw, talk, etc.

I’m so grateful towards Nikita.

I really hope i get accepted. If i do, i’m sure whatever happens in college i’ll be fine, because i’ll have the best friends there to help one another.

October 19 2014 / 8:11 PM / New Room / Sunday

i don’t know what to really say. i feel the need to let out my thoughts but i’m not sure how to word things.

I feel really weird right now. A mixture of annoyance, of content, of nothing. I spent the whole day ignoring my responsibilities and watching cowboy bebop. Last night really fucked me up. I got driven home from a cop car again. To tell you the truth i’m kind of sick of seeing those bars. to tell you the truth i’m kind of sick of everything..

i think i’m going to immerse myself in work and reading and watching.

maybe i can take this as a new break.