September 16 2014 / Tuesday / 3:08 AM / Pink Room

here i am at 3 in the morning, i’m supposed to be working on homework but i’m procrasinating by listening to some of my old music and relaxing. I’m video chatting with Nikita and she’s asleep and the video camera is still on. I played some soft light instrumental music and now i can lightly hear her breath.

I had a pretty shitty day today. I didn’t finish my painting, i found out i couldn’t change my art grade, and i also didn’t study for my calc test. I had work right after and i found myself falling asleep while i was tagging clothes. After i got off, instead of going to leaders i found myself winding up at the playground in Western Glen. From a far i could hear the game with it’s marching band playing, with grey skies and the emptiness of the playground. I smoked a cigarette while i thought of all the memories that were made on that playground from freshman to sophomore year. I thought about everyone again.

nostalgia and the fear of parting with my closest friends is so real.

Anyways so yeah sounds like a shit day right? Well yeah i’m not going to lie to myself by trying to say it wasn’t but i can at least help myself out with my perspective. First of all, before i was about to burst into a thousand tears and go on a tantrum in art, i bickered with Mrs Wallis and the whole class ended up yelling and laughing at me. That made me feel better (Laughter really is the medicine). Stinson and Fraser helped me out with my art project during Lunch while nikita was trying to help me study for calc at the same time which was pretty damn funny. Nikita and Stinson were going at each other which was funny since they’re both very aggressive people, and me and fraser just sat there going “:Whaaaat”. Mrs. Wallis made me feel better and told me that i had plenty of opportunites to bring my grade up. I thought i could take this in 2 ways: i could call her response bullshit to make myself feel better and remain pessimistic during the entire quarter, OR i could just blindly believe her and give my mental health a break and continue to try. I was so tempted to go with number 1 but i realized that being bitter about something you can’t exactly change is mentally draining and it only hurts yourself. So i went with number 2.

Calc… ha ha ha i don’t really know or understand but at this point i think this is a sign from God telling me to apply early action/decision. The reason why i say this is cause i’ve been praying asking God for guidance because i really don’t know what the hell i’m doing this year, and this is the only response i’m getting so far. Right now i’m caught with whether or not i should apply for early decision for nyu, i know for a fact i’m applying for early action with chapel hill. 

Man i’m going to miss everyone. As much as i want to keep in touch with everyone from high school i know it’d be unrealistic to set that as my expectation. But i pray and i hope that each and every single person who’s been there for me at my worst knows that i think about them and how i appreciate the things they’ve done for me.

like i’ve told arun, i know that all of my friends are very tolerant and understanding and patient people just because of the fact that to be friends with me you kind of HAVE to be or else we just wouldn’t be friends. And i’m not saying that i choose or want friends that are tolerant or understanding, it’s actually quiet the opposite. it’s just that i’m a shit head of a person and so I know the people who stay by my side deal with a lot of my crap and i’m always grateful for that. 

i wish this wasn’t the last run.

WAKE UP MOM I CANT GO TO SLEEP UNTIL I HAVE A SMOKE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH