march 30, 2014 1:20am

so my mom’s leaving for korea in about 3 hours. i had found out just the day before. I’m so fucking jealous. i wish i can go on the plane with her. Korea just makes me feel like i’m back at home. Where i can just walk out and be on my own, go on my own adventures, find small locations where i can just sit and be alone, etc. I’m so jealous. I don’t want to be here.

But, on the bright side, i got to drive today. I haven’t driven in so long. Even though it wasn’t the prius, i’m still happy that i was able to drive around town for a couple of hours. First thing i did was pick Hannah up of course. There’s no one else i would rather see than her. Afterwards we tried to go to tattoo bill’s but we ended up getting lost and heading towards uptown. We decided we would go to Amelie’s since we were already in the area. Right when we got into the line, some old ladies started eavesdropping on our conversation. Of course i was telling hannah about what’s been going on in my life with boys, and so the ladies in front started to snicker and whisper things. With my carefree self i didn’t really give a shit so i didn’t pay attention to them, but Hannah did. She heard them say “Where’s your daddy?” and she wanted to go off on them. She told me later what she had heard and I didn’t really get upset about it until i got home. Where’s my daddy? My daddy gave me a fucking concussion you fucking bitch. Where’s my daddy? My daddy repetitively punched my face a couple of nights ago you fucking bitch. Where’s my daddy? FUCK YOU. I’m just glad hannah called them out on it. Later when we were waiting in the long ass line, she said “I fucking HATE inconsiderate bitches” and the two women heard us. The old, short one glared at hannah as if she was going to say something and hannah glared right back. Man, i’m glad to have a friend like her. 

After Amelie’s we went to Tattoo Bill’s to get my eyebrow piercing fixed and luckily the guy who liked us was there! We gave him hugs and chatted for a bit and he gave me a new piercing for free. He’s so kind and nice, i was so happy that he was there instead of the sub that was there 2 weeks before. Once that was taken care of, we headed towards Blakeney with our to-go box from Amelies. 

Man going to Blakeney just made me so happy. That was me and Hannah’s spot from before, when i had my prius. We’d go there and smoke and talk and eat and it was perfect. But then i got grounded so we couldn’t do that anymore. I was so fucking depressed.

There was no one i could really talk and smoke with. Not like how i could with hannah.

I can find someone to smoke with easily but it’s not the same because they can’t talk about anything interesting or they’re awkward. I can find someone to talk to but i can’t smoke with them because they don’t smoke or if i do it’s by myself and i end up feeling guilty. So basically me and hannah both agreed there was no one else we could do that with except with each other and i was so relieved to know that i wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

So what did we do when we got to the back of Blakeney? We took pictures, talked about everything, ate, and smoked. I missed her so much. There’s no one else i enjoy talking to as much as her. I’m so frightened of next year when she’s off to college. I don’t know what i’m going to do. I honestly don’t really know how i’m going to handle it. 

Anyways, an update of this week: I got into governor school. Yay. Big deal. Not really. The competition was too easy. No one really gave a fuck, or if they did, it didn’t show. I felt so stupid for trying even a little bit. I’m kind of pissed that i have to waste 6 weeks of my summer at school, and i’m even more pissed that i won’t be able to smoke either. The only reason i even tried to get in was so that i could get my car back. 

I got a concussion this week so my head feels really heavy and painful. Every time i make contact with anything with my head, i feel a sharp pain that reminds me of that night. God i get so angry and i just want to punch someone or some thing. I’m so fucking weak. 

it’s already 1:40 and i have so much shit to do. So much fucking shit that i want to cry and run away from it. But no i can do this. I can do this. I’m doing this to help myself so that one day i can help others. You can’t take care of anyone else until you take care of your self.