i rarely type here ever since i got a journal and it feels weird, looking back in my archive i went from typing here almost dailyish to every month or so. anyways my journal is lost somewhere in my room and i’m too lazy to fish it out so here i go-

today is the last day for bright knight’s club activity, and that means it’s going to be the last day i tutor Farrah and that kind of makes me sad. After these past few weeks of seeing her every wednesday and helping her with homework and such, i’ve kind of grown really fond of her. She’s almost like the little sister i never had. Whenever i’m with her, i wonder about when i was her age and i think about Esmerelda and how she possibly felt when she was playing with me. Esmerelda was my first friend in america and she taught me little everyday things like how to describe something as spicy, or what criss-cross applesauce meant because i got in trouble at school for not knowing what it was. I remember she’d do my hair and her family was always so inviting and warm, unlike the apartment with my mom and i. I always wondered why she ever wasted her time playing with a 3 year old when she was already a teenager. I think i can kind of understand now though, after tutoring Farrah. Before the end of today’s tutoring session with her, i want to give her a present, possibly something for her to remember me by but i doubt she will ajfdgks who knows.

A lot has been going on my mind about this whole emancipation thing. there are so many things i need to factor into the equation. The idea of it all sounds great but then again, i only have two more years till i’m outta here and that’s not that long of a time to wait. Plus if i hang around long enough, the contract between my dad and i will still be valid and he’ll have to pay for my tuition and everything if i get into Chapel. But if i apply for emancipation, it would become invalid and i would have to either A. get a scholarship or B. pay for it myself. Now the problem with solution A is that, that solution is very risky because i’m not guaranteed that i will get scholarships and i don’t really like taking chances, i like for-sure settled solutions. Solution B is very unrealistic since i haven’t saved any money for college because i ignorantly believed that my parents would take care of it for me since that’s what they’ve been telling me my whole life and i never once thought about what would happen if they were to not be there.. My mistake. But the pros of leaving would be that i wouldn’t have to deal with the physical and mental abuse i receive from this household, help enhance my responsibility skills, and it’d allow chances for me to change myself to be better. Not only that but it’d help the relationship between me and my family because don’t get me wrong i still love them, family is family but living with them is tearing the little piece of the relationship a part. If i left, they’d have more time to themselves, less stress, and Ryan wouldn’t be exposed to a bad influence like me. And there’s also the whole, getting a job fraction of the entire picture but i don’t think that’s hard to solve, i could always get a job at taekwondo, possibly tutor kids (one of the nurses who talked to me at the mental hospital really wanted me to haha!) and i could also work at mamawok or other restaurants. Idk idk idk i have to keep thinking about other things like my own mental stability, the classes i’m taking next year, etc. But i have to also remind myself that i have 2 entire months to keep pondering about this so no rush. Oh that also reminds me- i should probably schedule an appointment to meet with my school counselor and discuss this with her and see what her opinion is on this. i need a reliable adult in my life whose willing to help me, since i can’t afford therapy, and friends are wonderful but an adult has the experience to guide me through situations like these.

i have so many things to do and think about, i can’t seem to get any sleep. stress stress stress. back to coloring

I’m so done
Of the physical and mental abuse and strain I receive from this hell house.
I’m so done.
I already hate myself to begin with
If you guys just left me alone
Maybe I wouldn’t have scratched your face off
Maybe I wouldn’t have punched holes in the walls
Maybe I wouldn’t have torn your clothes
Maybe I wouldn’t have thrown a chair at your head
Maybe I wouldn’t have made you bleed
Maybe you wouldn’t have had to call the cops.
Oh wait hahaha you already did that multiple times

I grew up in an environment where I was silent, where learned helplessness was the right and only way, and where aggressiveness was the only way to get your voice heard.
If I think about it i shouldn’t be surprised that I turned out the way I did

Nuture nature
I’m cursed and I already want to disappear
But with you guys adding on to it thinking you all have done nothing wrong this whole time and poking me with fingers and words that cut the heart expecting me to handle it all

I’m laughing.
You say I’m the reason why this family is shit then why the hell do you want me to stay home 24/7
You say I smoke and drink and have sex, but that’s just reality
You say I’m the dangerous one
When your the one who tried to kill me

Die.

All of these hateful thoughts
These refreshing stings and cuts
The pain of knowing that there’s no one here
Let’s me know I’m living

I’m twisted and I have a temper.
Keep pointing your fingers at me
But no matter what I will never stay quiet, I refuse to close up.

No one understands
I yearn for a connection
But I know what they’re all thinking I’m thinking it to myself too:
I’m crazy and an over dramatic out of control teenage girl

I am. But that doesn’t change the fact that
Staying here drives me insane
School, friends, the outside are places that let me leave this piece of shit

A home is a place where you feel relaxed and comfortable
And yet I feel the opposite, I’d rather be any place then my house

You don’t want me to live with you you think I’m dangerous? Finally.
Let me out

let me have control over my own death get your hands off my neck, pops.

In the end you lied, you weren’t there.