WAKE UP MOM I CANT GO TO SLEEP UNTIL I HAVE A SMOKE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

September 14 2014 / 8:01 AM / Sunday / Old Room

i haven’t typed here in a while.

i’ve been really busy.

school has swallowed me and i don’t really know how to handle it anymore.

my mentality is still back in summer time.

i’m not ready for any of my classes.

actually currently i’m literally failing ALL of my classes, meaning F’s and D’s. I could make myself feel better by blaming it on the “oh-it-takes-time-to-get-used-to” or that it’s because i’ve just started the year, but i genuinely don’t think thats it. i think i’ve lost all interest in trying to stress myself and strain my health for a simple number. Slowly, i am starting to refuse the mentality that grades, numbers and letters, define my intellectual capability or just me as a person. Like, after governor school, after a education system where grades aren’t necessary yet still learning, i don’t want to convert back to the normal flow.

i want to spend this final year with those close to me, because who knows, i might never have the opportunity to make memories with them ever again. You never know how your life will turn out. People die. Circumstances restrict us. Money binds us. Responsibilities suffocate. Even if i lose touch with many of the people i grew up with, i still want to be able to look back and remember the good times, and those good times will be what keeps me going. How do i know this for a fact? Simply because of my experience at governor school. Even though i was 2 hours away, and was adjusting myself to a new environment, i still thought about all my friends back at home and wondering what they were doing and remembering memories of certain moments. I’m sure i’ll be doing the same in college. What can i say, i’m a sucker for the past.

i have a fear. i have a fear of rejection/disapproval from adults. Whenever an adult reprimands me, i normally get hurt and take it too personally. For example, when a teacher criticizes my behavior like not coming to class, most students would think “i understand where he/she’s coming from, i need to change my behavior.”  Me? I normally say that out loud to my friends but in my mind my pride gets to me. i get hurt and pissed off. It makes me want to avoid the teacher and skip their class.

why am i saying this? i’m saying this because i’m doing exactly that. sigh

i just hate how i’m so sensitive. it frustrates me. i got it from my dad.

One day after work, i called my dad to meet me at smashburger. i hadn’t eaten since the day before because i skipped breakfast and lunch since eating made me sleepy. I normally would’ve skipped dinner as well to prevent myself from sleeping so i could focus on homework at home but it was a friday so i knew i could treat myself. Once i met my dad, i ordered a buffalo chicken burger, and we sat down at a table and talked. We talked about various subjects and one of them was about my request to drop my first period, AP Chemistry. My dad informed me that unfortunately they couldn’t do anything for me and that i was stuck with the class and how the teacher herself emailed him asking about me. I told him that i didn’t like her. Everyone seemed to like her but i found her frustrating. Not because she was a bad person but because i didn’t feel comfortable with her way of teaching and the class in general made me feel uncomfortable. I’m a person who learns from asking. If i have a teacher that gets frustrated with me from my first question, you know i’m going to have a problem. I explained this from my dad but he dismissed my complaint. “Why do you worry so much about the useless? In life, you’re going to have to work with all types of people including the ones you dislike. Just bare with it, it’s not like she’s in your life forever. Just for a year, deal with her and get the grade you deserve. From the many years of working with people i’ve learned that if you take their words too personally, you’ll be the only one getting hurt. So don’t stress about it, don’t care about it unless it can constructively help you.”

hopefully this upcoming week i’ll be able to step it up.

oh i also got a job. it’s a pretty awesome job considering the hours, pay, and work. all i have to do is tag clothes, and work a pretty simple machine. it’s kind of fun. i like working and doing things that don’t require a lot of mental work. it makes me feel productive. People are nice here. My boss apparently has a lot of history and rumors floating about him in the korean community but i don’t really give a shit because he’s pretty cool. He doesn’t judge me for my outside appearance (piercings) which is a big plus since most asians/koreans care about that crap. his policy is to just do your job and don’t bother him, which is what i’m used to because that’s basically how i was raised by my dad. I can come into work without worrying about smelling like smoke. Just the other day i saw him walking around in the back, carrying a armful of clothes with a cigarette in his mouth. Supposedly i’m getting paid $9 an hour but i counted the money and it seems like he’s actually paying me $10. Now consider that i’m also a complete novice, this is my first job and i’m getting paid $10 an hour. in cash too. The close always ends at 7 and my boss leaves at 6 so it gives me an hour to play my own music and just chill. this job is probably the best job for me and i thank God that i was given this opportunity (plus it gives me experience with clothes, because i don’t know jack shit about clothes and laundry). I still don’t understand why my mom just doesn’t get the same job i’m doing, it doesn’t even require that much communication besides a simple “hello” and “goodbye”. 

i don’t know how my senior year will turn out but i’ll see.

i want to type more but i really don’t want to because i got church in a bit and i want a smoke.

i got a lot to do today.