my dream reminded me the feeling of longing-

I had another dream of you recently. When i woke up, i started to cry. i miss you so much, i never realized ignored how i felt about you for this whole year. I’ve kept myself busy to be happy with out you this year. But that dream made it all too clear, i still miss you, and i want you back into my life, but things don’t always work the way you want it to.

In my dream, you went to my school. I was walking through the halls during class exchange. i was looking down at my feet, feeling miserable for some reason i wasn’t aware of. All of a sudden you stopped me, in a very cliche way. You had your arm extended towards the lockers, stopping me and getting my attention. i looked up and saw your face. You looked very concerned and said ’ So.. i’ve been hearing that you’ve been missing me this whole year..’ and that itself, the fact that you took time to go out of your way to check and talk to me, made me so happy. Happy is an understatement. I couldn’t talk and all i did was stare at you, in disbelief and shock. I woke up right after wards and the tears started flowing out of me. 

this type dream has occurred before for another person i had loved very much. Except it was at my taekwondo, and while walking out of the dojo, in a hurry, staring at my feet, i was stopped by him. And like my recent dream, i looked up, speechless and in disbelief, and sadly, woke up to reality.

I miss you, i miss how you would make me laugh every second of our conversations, even though you thought i was forcing myself to laugh. i miss our late night conversations. i miss you falling asleep on me through the phone, while i listen to you breathing peacefully and doing my homework late at night. i miss falling asleep on the phone with you and waking up in the morning, realizing that the line is still connected. i miss your voice, the way you talk, .. i miss you. I want to hear your opinion and thoughts again, i want to hear you rant, or vent. I want to hear you and know that your back in my life again. 

I’ve been ignoring and putting aside all these sad feelings of longing into the back of my head thinking: ‘i’ll get over it.’ But it doesn’t seem to work that way. i don’t know what to do to move on. I don’t like feeling so vulnerable and sad, and gloomy, and emotional.. I just don’t want my happiness to depend on a single person..

even if i did tell you, i don’t think you would realize how much the words coming out of my mouth would mean to me. even if i did tell you, i doubt it would change anything. and that’s what hurts and frustrates me the most. it would just leave things awkward and, most probably, misunderstood.

i just feel so sad. i need to find something to keep myself busy, and never let myself have a dream like that again. For once truly, i really don’t know what to do, or whats right, or what i should do to make things better.

Posted on June 13, 2012
tagged: eekamimo.. dream..