i think i like someone. No, i definitely like them- as a friend. But i don’t trust myself enough to see if i like them any more then that. it’s a question that’s been nagging me in the back of my mind for months.
because when it comes down to it, to my past, i had always convinced myself that i had liked them more than a friend, and that i was lonely and ready to be in a relationship. But as soon as my dream became reality, i lost interest real quick, and i was always the one to pull back first, and eventually- break away.
what i have now is precious, it’s amazing, and i love what it is right now. but for some reason i can’t help but want more, even though i know it’s because i don’t have it. Once i obtain it, i know i won’t want it anymore. And then i’ll end up making something that was once fantastic into a regret. I just don’t want to make any more mistakes any more. I’m so cautious, that i’m scared to live my life.
one of my close friends told me to just go with the flow. that if it’s meant to happen, it will, secretly. Like we’ll be in a relationship but not even know it. and i think that’s the best advice for someone like me whose deathly afraid of commitment for no reason. I like what she told me alot, but it requires patience, and that’s something i lack. But i already know in the back of my mind that that’s not the real problem, the real problem is- will i even be around later?
I’m scared, because life does its own thing every time. I predict something about the future and it always turns out to be different. Like as if it does it on purpose just to trick me and tell me that it’s always four big steps ahead of me. I hate it.
i think i’m just crazy and i need some harry potter time. escapingrealityandintoaworldotherthanthis ftw! LOL goodnight.